Jared Diamond Books

I think I’m finally going to write my second novel. It will be called the Saltwood Chronicles Book Two, following the life of a grizzled New Orleans detective who moves to Australia to get away from it all. After his break-up with Jess Day-Knight, Julian Saltwood is running from his past faster than his health insurance company could find a way to void the claim he made when he broke his arm two years ago. But just because he’s running from his past, that doesn’t mean he’s going to embrace his future. On the contrary, he’s avoiding that too, which is why he’s moving to Australia!

But the evil Schmidt gives chase, intending to get revenge for his diabolical plan being ruined by the genius that is Julian Saltwood. For a while, Julian is unaware that his arch-enemy has followed him to Australia, and he takes solace in portable hyperbaric chambers around Melbourne. Although Julian was sceptical about the effectiveness of hyperbaric medicine, he quickly finds it to be of great comfort. Julian tests different hyperbaric chambers all across Melbourne, becoming a hyperbaric connoisseur. Hyperbaric chambers help Julian forget his past and stop worrying about the future. It’s just a shame that the future is coming right for him, whether he likes it or not.

Julian Saltwood is in the middle of a hyperbaric medicine session when Schmidt attacks, his henchmen overwhelming the hyperbaric clinic. Julian escapes, but once again Schmidt has taken away everything he loves. Well, now Julian is back in the game, intending to get his revenge again. And this time, it’s personal.

Little does Julian know, to defeat the horrible, evil and wicked Schmidt, he will have to go all the way back to New Orleans and repair his relationship with Jess Day-Knight. Because he’s going to need her help if he’s going to defeat this villain once and for all. It turns out that nothing can keep these two apart.

So apparently my grandfather thinks he’s taking part in a mind control experiment conducted by the government. Obviously, he isn’t. That would be completely crazy, and the truth of the matter is that he is crazy. Well, not crazy. Just old, suspicious, a conspiracy theorist from birth, and a man touched by the early stages of dementia.

The story goes that his doctor recommended he do some oxygen therapy in Melbourne, so my dad did some research and found out about this wonderful new form of technology. The problem is that although hyperbaric therapy is completely legit and actually really good for older people looking to get greater mobility, like Gramps, it looks pretty space age. Personally, I think it’s cool, but apparently the whole time Gramps was in there he was talking about the “aliens” and the “government mind control system”. Dad said that, the second time he went in there, Gramps was wearing a tinfoil hat underneath his cap.

I realise that this is all objectively funny and I have to admit I’ve had quite a good laugh about it, but still. It’s kind of sad. I’m sure when he was back in his heyday, he would have questioned the legitimacy of any technology this high-tech (Nans has a story about him throwing his brand new mobile phone off a pier) but still. This is something recommended by his doctor. A brand new technology in Melbourne. Hyperbaric oxygen therapies may not be a traditional form of relief, but oh my goodness, if it helps, why even question it? Take the cure and run with it, I say. We always laugh about Gramps being crazy, but if he’s really going to put his health at risk for the sake of protecting his deteriorating mind, maybe we should take it a little more seriously.